Monday, May 22, 2006

So Divine

Six Thousand years ago when George’s (Great) 72 Grandfather created the Universe he looked forward to the day when one of his direct descendants would come to know Him and believe in Him. Of course, being all knowing, he knew exactly when this would happen.

He decided to send forth a prophet at the appropriate time to reach his most faithful and believing offspring who He knew would become the President of the United States by hook or by crook.

The Prophet Siegfried was sent by Him to write his book, My Pet Goat. In the divine nature of things George heard this glorious book for the first time coming from the mouths of babes as the most powerful country on earth, which he was about to take full control of, was attacked.

The book and its teachings mesmerized him. It inspired him. It made him take flight.

It was not until the danger had passed that his Arch Angels cleverly disguised as Secret Service Agents would allow him to touch down. During the flight George the Usurper had his first real epiphany. “I am all powerful!”

Upon landing and surrounded by angels with automatic swords, George took center stage and told everyone to be afraid but to please keep on shopping. He was speaking in tongues as the old traditions that were now flooding his mind had taught him.

In his new found glory he decided to ask The Hillary to stand with him and extend the national treasures to the airline industries that were dropping like flies even without the help of hijackers. George knew now that she had been inspired by My Pet Giraffe and was a heretic but a world without airplanes, George felt, would be difficult to get around in.

He then went on a pilgrimage. He started on the rubble in ground zero. He raised his horn but the walls had already come a tumbling down. So he went to the National Cathedral proclaiming his faith in faith. On he went to an Address to the Nation to proclaim for all to hear that he was all knowing and that he could find men in caves. Then he went to Crawford and burned some bushes. But they did not speak.

He was confused.

It seems the Creator had left him on his own. Having waited and waited all that time for the pinnacle of His plan to have My Pet Goat read at just the appropriate moment to just the appropriate person the Creator had decided to go out for a drink. He had decided after the first drink that there would be many more. Don’t worry, someone is looking into it.

Left on his own George decided to pray. When no one answered he realized he was praying to himself because after all he was the chosen one. So he started talking to himself. That is why George is loath to allow filters. He is getting the straight dope and from someone who has done a lot of it.

So the next time you decide to criticize George consider this: You are going straight to hell.

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