Saturday, May 20, 2006

A Message from George W. Bush

I have agreed to write something for this site so I can set the record straight about a lot of misconceptions the “blogisphere” seems to have about my Presidency. First of all that photograph of me extending my middle finger just before going on the air to address the public has been misinterpreted. That is my signal to Turd Blossom that I have memorized all the talking points and even if I butcher the English Language (which will soon become the only language America will ever need) all the code words will be covered. Secondly, I would like to address the fundamental issue of fairness. If you examine closely all the talk shows on Fox, ABC, CNN, NBC and CBS you will notice that the four major opinion shapers are represented. The Heritage Foundation, The Cato Institute, The American Enterprise Institute and The Rand Corporation are all there. They are almost absent in your blogs. Where is the fairness in this? I feel you are misrepresenting the ideas that made this country what it is today [editor’s note: A failed democracy transitioning through plutocracy on its way toward theocratic fascism].

I want to turn now to my tax cuts. As some of you may know the price of gas has gone up. Now if you are an average American you may have felt the need to pawn some of your possessions to buy a tank of gas. This has had a devastating impact on the Pawn industry. Their shops have become flooded with items that people can no longer afford. An overstocked Pawn industry is not good for America. Tax cuts will ease this problem by insuring that all Americans will get a tax break equal to one and possibly two tanks of gas. This will reduce the burden in Pawn Shops across the country.

As you know if you pay more taxes you will get a larger tax break. This is only fair. For instance, studies show that higher income earners drive bigger vehicles and therefore require more gas. See the beauty of my program?

Now I have sadly read many derogatory remarks about the ongoing fight against terrorism in Iraq. See, Iraq is an “Over There” kind of place. America is an “Over Here” kind of place. I know for a fact that there are more Americans “Over Here” and that there are more non Americans “Over There.” By sending fewer troops than some recommended I ensured that this would continue to be true. It is plain to see that fewer Americans are dying “Over Here” than are dying “Over There” due to acts of terrorism. This balances out the score card and I expect that before the elections in November that we will have achieved our goal of having more Americans killed by terrorists “Over There” then died on September 11, 2001 “Over Here.”

Domestic spying is another issue I would like to address. We are only spying on those in America who may be terrorists, those in America who may be sympathetic with the terrorists, and those in America who disagree with or who may disagree with tax cuts. We need to find out what these people are up to. Since September 11, 2001 we have stopped all further terrorist activities and thwarted all challenges to tax cuts. Our program is working.

Now some of you claim that this violates the law. We are at war. I am a war President. When a President is at war he can’t violate the law. He is above the law. The Constitution should never be allowed to obstruct our freedoms. We need to stay the course. We need to listen to our President (that’s me) and do what we are told to do in this time of grave danger to the economic interests of our corporations.

Finally, I would like to announce that I will be introducing a bill in congress to greatly reduce the threat to America that dissent creates. Speech will no longer be free but will become a pay as you go process. The people who create the jobs in this country will of course get deep discounts. I am thinking twenty five cents a page. Our detractors will be charged a dollar a word. With this revenue the loud mouths will help us fund new detention centers and help pay for new guards. This is a program that will help keep America moving forward.

I thank you for this opportunity to speak and will be sending fifty cents off to the IRS.

The White House informed me today that i would be audited if i refused to publish this.

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